


i want to be there (so you don't have to be brave)

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Angst, Dan and Phil World Tour 2018: Interactive Introverts, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, but if you were alright with phil's gym horror story you should be fine here!, but related, mentions of vomit, not exactly about the tour, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 11:21:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16016846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: There were days (so many of them) where Dan would give anything to be by Phil's side, proving himself time and again as Phil's knight in shining armor.Little did he know, that time may be coming sooner than he thinks.





	i want to be there (so you don't have to be brave)

**@AmazingPhil:** House is being extra creepy with the noises tonight :| luckily i am brave.

A mere thirteen words shouldn’t be leaving Dan feeling this...stranded. It’s like a chunk has been scooped out of his chest, landing somewhere near his dangling feet.

It’s just not _fair._ Manchester shouldn’t be this _far._ His parents’ shouting shouldn’t be slicing this clearly through his headphones.

Dan should be there. Right there, with Phil. He should be holding him and running his fingers through Phil’s hair and doing everything he can to get that perfect smile back.

He’d be everything for Phil. Much unlike the “adults” he’s grown up with.

With lava in his veins and Muse pumping in his ears, Dan pulls his laptop up to his stomach, fingers dancing across the keyboard seemingly of their own volition.

 **@danisnotonfire:** @AmazingPhil i want to be there so you dont have to be brave.

The tweet is sent before he has the chance to think about it. Equal parts thrill and terror shoot through his veins, but the longing outweighs them both by far. It pulls at his chest, settles that old familiar weight over his limbs like a lead blanket. God, Dan could just _drown_ in Phil’s profile photo….

The mention notification pops up instantly. Somehow, the “<3” both softens his every nerve and squeezes his heart to the point of breaking. Dan has half a mind to open Skype, but something tells him the raised voices drifting in from the other bedroom would definitely make their way onto his computer’s shitty microphone. He pulls the white duvet tighter around him, as if burritoing himself will insulate him from every whisper of pain that’s threatening to crash down around him.

Aside from that, though, there’s something zipping inside Dan too. Something that’s recently been growing every time he talks to Phil. So maybe that’s what gives him the courage to send the next tweet, which _definitely_ has flirty undertones...but is still perfectly crafted to let Phil in on the hurt pulsing underneath…

 **@danisnotonfire:** @AmazingPhil then again ill probably just attract more serial killers/supernatural activity..

Dan scrolls past tweet after tweet but none of them reach his brain. How can they, when all the commotion and all these stupid feelings are pressing up against every inch of him, leaving Dan feeling trapped in his own bedroom?

But then the music fades out, which allows his mum’s stage whisper of “He’s an _adult_ , James” to enter his ears. Dan’s blood runs cold.

 _No._ You know what, fuck that. Dan doesn’t have to listen to his parents fighting about him. Thankfully, the next song starts immediately with a pounding drumbeat that Dan cranks up to a level sure to damage his ears but it’s soothing too.

He’s just about to click over to Skype (maybe it’s too early to video chat but they could at least IM…) when his Mentions tab turns bold.

 **@AmazingPhil:** @danisnotonfire D: i think it’s worth it… (unless it’s jasonX. he’s a bit intense)

Even amidst the torrent of emotions, Dan finds it in himself to smile. How he ever grew so fond of such a dork, Dan has no idea.

He opens Skype with a new flutter in his chest. It lightens even more when he finds the green dot next to Phil’s name.

 **Dan:** [10:23 PM] i’m sorry abt the scary house noises  >_<

 **Dan:** [10:23 PM] i kno how u feel tho

 **Dan:** [10:24 PM] we’ve got some scary noises too

 **Phil:** [10:24 PM]  <3 Everything ok over there?

 **Dan:** [10:25 PM] yh it’s fine

 **Phil:** [10:25 PM] U sure?

 **Dan:** [10:27 PM] its just…

 **Dan:** [10:28 PM] its nothing i’m sure itll blow over soon

 **Dan:** [10:28 PM] parents arguing again

 **Dan:** [10:28 PM] the usual

His mum’s voice echoes in Dan’s head, behind Matt Bellamy’s desperate wails. _He’s an_ adult _, James._ It cuts him open just as deep as it had a few minutes ago.

Funny that the one time his parents decide to give a shit about him is the one time he wants something (some _one_ ) more than _anything_ else.

The realization sends Dan sliding down his pillow, a new layer of pain ripping open, deep enough to drown in.

He can’t pour all that on Phil, though. Poor guy’s got his own shit to deal with. And Dan’s gonna do his best to help him through that, isn’t he?

_Isn’t he?_

**Phil:** [10:28 PM] dan :( :( :( <3 <3 <3 <3

 **Phil:** [10:29 PM] I wanna hug u so bad right now

 **Phil:** [10:29 PM] I’m here if u ever wanna talk about it

 **Phil:** [10:30 PM] Or if not that’s fine too

 **Phil:** [10:32 PM] Just know I’m always right here ok?

Alright, what the _fuck_ , brain? There’s no reason for those few words to send tears springing to Dan’s eyes. Dan doesn’t deserve this. He’s supposed to be the one providing Phil with some much needed stability right now, not the other way around. Dan’s _better_ than this. Stronger than this.

The final distant slam of their front door only serves to punctuate Dan’s disgust with himself. It’s cathartic too, if he can ignore the squirming feeling of knowing he’s done something wrong.

But maybe he can do something right too.

 **Dan:** [10:35 PM] thank u  <3

 **Dan:** [10:35 PM] i wanna be there so bad too u don’t even know

 **Dan:** [10:35 PM] i’d banish samara nd all the ghosties

 **Phil:** [10:36 PM] Awww ur sure u can do that without running away screaming?

 **Dan:** [10:36 PM] of course

 **Dan:** [10:36 PM] i’m ~~ur~~ a fearless warrior

 **Dan:** [10:37 PM] i’m your fearless warrior

Dan’s stomach clenches for the briefest second--that was too much, Dan’s too much, he’s gonna scare Phil off before he even gets the chance to escape to him—but Phil’s next message comes instantaneously and graciously soothes the frayed edges of Dan’s nerves.

 **Phil:** [10:37 PM]  <3 <3

 **Phil:** [10:38 PM] It’s already a little less lonely now so thank u

 **Dan:** [10:38 PM] glad i could be here ^_^

And he really, really is. If the intoxicating warmth flickering inside him is anything to go by, there’s no denying that just being there for Phil is all the satisfaction Dan will ever need.

Maybe one day he can do this in person. He could hold Phil close, so close, whisper anything and everything just to shield him from the scary words and noises in and around his head. Not a thing could get to Phil, not while Dan’s there.

But for now, he’ll just have to settle for words on a screen.

Surprisingly? Dan’s alright with that.

 

-

If you were to ask Dan weeks, or just hours later, what he expected Phil’s arrival home from the gym to look like, well...never in a million years would he have told you of the distressing state of Phil’s skin, whiter than the bit of snow still clinging to the London streets mixed with a twinge of green like he’d taken on the aura of one of his houseplants, or that Phil would completely bypass the lounge to stumble into his room where Dan could hear the old wicker bed creak under Phil’s weight.

It’s the complete silence that follows, though, that makes Dan’s blood run cold and forces him out of the Reddit hole he’s drowning in.

“Phil? B--back already?” Dan _hates_ how high pitched his voice is. Phil can surely sense the terror that’s eating at him from the inside out. He doesn’t need to know he’s scaring Dan after what Dan already expects was a failed gym session.

Seeing Phil sat with his arms around his knees, rocking back and forth and inching further from the door only twists the knife deeper in Dan’s chest. He isn’t sure what to do with his arms, so they hang loosely from his body, fingers shaking for a few seconds until something wakes up in him and tells Dan this is stupid and he hops up on the bed. Close, but not close enough to wrap Phil up in a hug so tight it shuts out all the pain, even though that’s exactly what Dan wants to do right now.

He settles for leaning his shoulder against Phil’s, tugging Phil’s hand gently into his own and doing his best not to wince too much at the bone-crushing squeeze he receives in return.

Phil’s _shaking._ It travels all the way down Dan’s arm until he’s forced to glance up at Phil’s face. What he finds knocks the air out of his lungs in one short _whoosh_.

There’s a few colors human faces should never be. The delicate shade of transparent green that’s currently taking up Phil’s entire face, not just fading out at the edges?

Yeah, Dan’s only ever seen that in cartoons.

“Shhhhhh. Phil, it’s okay. It’s alright, it’s okay. I’m here now, you’re good,” Dan whispers once he regains the powers of speech and movement. Phil’s fringe is ruffled all across his forehead, tufts of hair sticking out all over his head like antennas and there’s the undeniable lines of tear tracks down his cheeks and _god_ , does it hurt to see him like this. But it’s beautiful too.

Especially when Phil finally catches Dan’s gaze and the telepathic  _thank you_ latches onto Dan like a lifeline.

In that moment, Phil’s rocking stops and he collapses back into Dan’s open arms, the soft impact yet again knocking him breathless. It’s better this time, though.

Because Dan _finally_ has Phil curled up against him. Even if he has no idea what’s caused all this.

“Hey.” Dan has every intention for his voice to be soft and smooth but the words tumble out far too quickly and trembly. “You don’t have to tell me until you’re ready of course, but...but Phil, what _happened?_ ”

Phil’s answering sigh is strong enough to decimate an entire forest. “Well, funny you should ask,” he starts against Dan’s chest and god, is his breath _rank._ It’s a testament to their commitment that Dan doesn’t push him off right then and there.

And in stuttered bits and pieces, Dan learns the story of an awful personal trainer who couldn’t sense Phil’s subtle but growing distress and the reason behind his horrible breath. From the first mention of Kyle (a fitting name for such a twat), a match is struck in Dan that burns and burns until Dan’s ready to leap off the bed and snap the guy’s head off himself.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.” Dan sits up abruptly, sliding back to the pillows and dragging an unseated Phil with him. “You _told them!_ Was I not there to give you your script on that phone call that took eight billion years?”

“Yeah, I did, but I dunno--”

“You did _everything right_ , Phil. I know you’re regretting the Indian takeaway now but you _earned_ that. What the fuck did they do?” Dan doesn’t care how squeaky his voice is now. This is an injustice of the highest degree. Seriously, what the actual _fuck_ , gym?

Still pressed against Dan’s chest, Phil now rubs his thumb and forefinger against a blue square of the duvet. When he speaks, it’s barely more than a mumble, his eyes unfocused but trained somewhere around the fabric trapped between his fingers. “Yeah, I dunno. I think...I think they just ignored me ‘cause they asked if it was my first time there and I said yeah, but I dunno if they understood the exercise plan thing ‘cause they just kept talking about a gym induction and then they shoved Kyle at me and he was so _hot_ , Dan, why does this always have to happen to me?” By the end of his ramble, he’s buried his face in Dan’s jumper and Dan can’t help it, he has to giggle a bit.

Thankfully, a tiny (if defeated) laugh emerges from deep within the folds of cotton. Dan feels considerably lighter, even with the fire still sizzling in his veins. “Alright, Phil,” he starts once Phil’s sat back up and is holding Dan’s steady gaze. “I love you so much and not one bit of this is your fault, but _babe._ I can’t always be there to assert myself for you, no matter how much I want to.”

“Yeah, I guess I know that, it’s just--”

“It’s hard, yeah, I know it’s hard. And it kills me too.” It really does. Just saying that out loud slashes Dan’s chest open as painfully as it did those early days when hundreds, or even just a couple of miles separated them. If Dan could be there for Phil’s every moment of weakness, he would, no questions asked.

But the fact of the matter is, sometimes they’ve got to do things alone. It’s hard, yeah, damn near impossible sometimes, but they’ll ultimately be better off for it.

There’s a loaded pause as they lean into each other, Phil’s story still bouncing around in Dan’s head and reminding him just how _grateful_ he is to have Phil here in one piece.

(Well. He’s a bit fractured. But he’s still in one piece.)

Finally, Dan snaps back up again and says, “But you know you’re not going back to that gym. Not while I’m here.”

There’s so much Dan could say. So much he could rant about, especially when it comes to that absolute _asshole_ Kyle. But Phil’s soft “Mmmhmmm” and the gentle nuzzle of his nose into Dan’s shoulder renders all that moot.

Because Phil’s smiling now, when ten minutes ago he was shaking like his entire world had crumbled around him. And Dan had _done that._

Maybe he couldn’t have been there in the moment. But he’s here for Phil now, and holding him like this...it fills Dan in a way that nothing else does.

It’s healing. And right now, Dan couldn’t ask for anything more.

 

-

You’d never think stepping into your own home would be so...disorienting.

Although when you’ve been away for three months, maybe it is understandable.

Still, no amount of touring the world, seeing some of the best that America and Australia and Asia have to offer, could prepare Dan for the sharp pull he feels in his heart at his reunification with all his belongings. It’s just strange, how after some of the most soaring highs, the frustrations and burnouts, he’s left with...this. This mess of feelings that have tied themselves in a bundle somewhere in his chest, leaving Dan to grip his suitcase handle so tight that the plastic button thing cuts into his palm. He almost doesn’t notice Phil’s frozen beside him too, until his slight unconscious swaying sends him knocking into something solid.

It pulls Dan (mostly) out of his head with a sharp sigh and seconds later, he’s hefting his suitcase up the stairs and into the moon room that really does feel like another planet after countless hotel rooms and his horrendously cramped bus bunk. But Dan’s not gonna think about that right now.

Right now he’s going to focus on the man behind him, the one tether of familiarity amongst the strangeness of this whole experience. The man who, oddly enough, still hasn’t said a word since they got dropped off a few minutes ago. The man who seems to have one foot here and another somewhere else, if the distance in his eyes is anything to go by.

It’s not a look Dan’s unfamiliar with, so it’s not totally jarring. But something about it, or maybe the heaviness that’s settled in the air, makes it that much harder for Dan to open his mouth. So he pulls out his phone instead.

 **Dan:** hey r we ok?

Phil’s so close by that the vibration of his phone makes them both jump a little. Dan tries to focus his attention on smoothing out a corner of their duvet ( _why_ they hadn't made the bed up neater before they ran out the door back in June, Dan has no idea) but his eyes flit back to Phil like magnets anyway.

Phil’s frowning a little, the faraway look all gone, replaced instead with a sharp concentration usually saved for video editing. It makes Dan’s heart squeeze a little.

 **Phil:** Oh yh it’s fine!

I can go check on the houseplants if you’d like

His shoulders slump a little and Dan’s sure he detects a heaviness to Phil’s step as he turns back towards the door, none of which sits well with him.

 _No._ You know what?

 **Dan:** who tf cares about houseplants

well besides u, u dork

is there anything you really wanna do right now?

It feels like forever that Phil’s staring down at his phone, biting his lip as his every muscle is pulled taut. Every little molecule of Dan is jangling around as the … sits on his screen for far too long, but he tries not to let it show.

 **Phil:** Sofa cuddles?

And just like that, a wave of relief crashes through him, not unlike the typhoon they so narrowly avoided. But this is so much better because Dan can’t help but giggle.

He doesn’t even need to say anything, instead letting his warm smile and the gentle squeeze of his hand do all the talking for him as they make their way into the lounge.

The moment Dan opens his arms up and Phil sinks into them, just as soft and sweet as always, it’s like a string’s been pulled on the bundle of feelings in Dan’s chest. Maybe the various knots haven’t completely come undone, but they are a bit looser. And right now, that makes all the difference in the world.

There’s a golden light streaming through the still-closed blinds behind the TV and the air is just cool enough that having Phil in his arms and his head against Dan’s chest is more cozy than sweaty. It fills Dan from the inside out and yeah, it’s incredible, but something’s missing. And he’s pretty sure that’s got something to do with the way Phil keeps shuffling against him, like he’s uncomfortable in his own skin.

Dan would be lying if he said it didn’t break him, just a little.

So he pauses the anime neither of them were really watching anyway and nestles his chin into Phil’s shoulder, fingers still tangled in his hair and lips just brushing Phil’s ear. “Hey. Everything going alright up here?” He slides his hand out of the quiff and taps on Phil’s forehead, soft as can be.

Phil just _deflates_ against him and it’s all Dan can do to keep from squeezing out the tears threatening to spring up while he squeezes Phil tight, the shakiness of Phil’s sigh nearly making Dan quake too. It’s been such a _long_ day. But it’s the halt in his voice that really tears Dan apart.

“I—I guess,” Phil says, taking in another shaky breath that rattles against Dan’s chest, “it’s just...I wasn’t expecting coming home to feel this _weird_ , you know? It’s not like it’s not home to me, it _is_ , kinda, it’s just…unsettling? I dunno. I guess I was expecting this amazing coming home feeling but it just feels like we have to go back to our real lives now. And it just...it sucks, you know?”

 _God_ does Dan know. This was exactly why Phil brought up the idea for the first gamingmas two years ago, to prevent Dan from drowning in this feeling. Yeah, at some point they’ll have to face the camera again. In a week they’ll be hopping in a car and whisked away to another beautiful editing studio to spend their days in darkness, splicing together their brightest achievement to date. But until then…

Until then, they’ve got this moment. And all the ones after, to do as they choose. Right now, that’s more than enough.

“Phil, babe. It’s okay, god, it’s more than okay,” Dan murmurs into Phil’s hair. He drops a kiss onto Phil’s forehead, hoping that can speak the emotion that his words may not communicate. After a few seconds, he threads their fingers together, shifting just enough to catch Phil’s eyes with his own. “You remember what I told you my therapist said after TATINOF?”

Phil squeezes his eyes shut and Dan can tell he’s really thinking. But he shakes his head after a few seconds, shoulders slumping once again.

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it.” Dan’s voice is as gentle as the squeeze of his hand. The soft smile he receives in return is worth more than every quid they spent and earned on this tour combined. “She said there’s nothing wrong with me for having a tough time adjusting. In fact, she wouldn’t expect anything less. Yeah, it sucks that it’s gotta hit this hard, but _Phil._ We _did it._ We got to all these places, we did those shows, we saw all those people, we called all these places our temporary homes. And yeah, it’s gonna suck a bit to be back in our real home, no matter how much you missed it.”

Phil bites back a sheepish smile at that. A firework show begins in Dan’s chest.

“But you know that no matter where we call home, I’ll always be right here, yeah?”

The question hangs heavy until Phil buries his face in Dan’s chest and _god,_ Dan can’t help it, he has to kiss every bit of Phil’s hair and his forehead and all the way down to his jawline for good measure. All the while, he holds Phil tight as if the world were crashing down around them.

It isn’t, of course. Maybe a bit of their world is crumbling. But they’ll find a way to rebuild.

They always do.

Phil snuggles deeper, sliding his arms around Dan so they’re holding each other, and the motion alone is enough to send Dan’s heart soaring higher than it has all day. As if that weren’t enough, though, Phil’s soft “Thank you” pulls the final knot from Dan’s bundle of feelings and fills in the piece that’s been missing since the final curtain fell all the way back in Mumbai.

For the first time in ages, Dan is whole.

And _this_. This is what’s worth living for.

Maybe the props have been locked away for good, the screens all shipped off to better homes, the final thank yous said and hugs passed all around. Maybe some parts of their near future are a giant question mark.

But through it all, Dan’s never left home. How could he, when home is the very person he created an entire world tour with?

And that’s what tells him things will ultimately be okay.

Sure, adjusting back to daily life will be nothing short of an uphill battle. (And that doesn’t even include the jet lag sure to hit them in a couple hours.) But as long as Phil’s there, and as long as Dan can be there for Phil, just maybe, they can do it.

He got there, in the end. And he’ll continue to be there for Phil’s every moment of weakness or insecurity or anything at all.

Phil never has to be brave when Dan’s there. Not unless he wants to be.

(And _god,_ does Dan love him either way.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/phloridas) and [Tumblr](http://phloridas.tumblr.com) @phloridas, and reblog [here](http://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/178170825016/i-want-to-be-there-so-you-dont-have-to-be-brave), if you'd like! I hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are! <3


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